


Me And My Broken Heart

by TheMarySue



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Didn't Even Try, Every Line is a New Author, F/F, F/M, Funny, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Other, Parody, awful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 05:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8653054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMarySue/pseuds/TheMarySue
Summary: AHHAHAHHAHA SUMERIES R HERD SO SOR BOUT DAT





	1. Chapter 1

Once I fell down a whole and broke my nose. Nobody knows why I did that. But as a result I have this really cool crooked nose. Now some people say “Hey there, Pouli, ur nose is crooked,” but they’re just gay fags. I put up mah midda finga at dem.  
Anyways, I have this long ish kinda short is it’s mostly short but it’s a color that people say is like a mix between silver and gold kinda like a brown, but not at all. Today im goinina skyrim cuz my dad who’s kinda a loser did this kinda not loser thing and got me engaged to Ulfric Stromclook. I decided that since it was a really special occation I was gonna wear mah best dress, but I didn’t wanna set standards too high so I wore a rag instead. But I put a belt in the middle so it wasn;t just hanging and I looked really sexxah.  
I arrived at Darkwodder Xing to meet mah fyoocher husband but den dere were all dese imperals dere and dey grabbed os. We got all tied up and it was kinda hot but not that hot cuz we were all prisoners (ew not in that way you potatoffile) and through us in the bak of this cart with this too guys and….. ULFRIC STROMCLOCK!!!!!!!!!! But you prabobly alreeadyy new dart.  
I wanded to talk too him and then I tried to say “hey sexah” but he didn’t say “hey sexah” back bcuz he was wearing a gag on his mouth, odderwis he wood hav.  
Oh, and I was unconsceincious bcah de imprintals hd nocked my lites out. So then I wok upp and dis rood guy was like “yo that sexah lady is awake” and Ulfricc wanted to say “no das my lady” even do he juss met me but he couldn’t bcuz of the gag on his mouth. Insted I give him a real upset look and I say “you sho be nic 2 me b/c Im gon b de quin sumdy.”  
He say “I don care cause Im’ma die soon and so r you bicht”  
Don Ulfrid kic him in the pp and he say “ow, my pp nd bals” nd den he star 2 cri and I star to cri despresso teres ov dark lothing and ulfric put his arm round me and say “you gon be k” an den we kids in da car wid erry1 dere. Bye the way I can hear him n kiss him thru the gag on his mouth. An is ok dat he has his armz roun me cuz I don mind it ebben do he has da gag on his arms. Den da udder guy in the kart say “I stol a horse but I don care Ulfricc u sukkk!!!!!!!” Den I say “no he is v sexahhh, an you shol b nic 2 hm er il b up in yo bidness” and den he was lik “oh, ok, ur rite.”.  
N den tha firs guy was like “hey horse dude where u frum mate” and he was like “you no my name not ma story” and then I smile at him all sexah cause that’s my favrite sayin but don worry I didn kiss him or nething bc Im still Ulfriccs girflfred.  
Den da car stop and we had 2 git out and we was all gonna be executive and the whores guy was like “oh no nonono, don kill me” but they did. Den I cri but only for a minit, and they day “hey you really priityy girl was ur name” and I say thin k about it 4 a sec and I say “Pouli Torog it means ‘Soulless Immortal’” nd they say “ok ok you can go” and I say “can my hubby go?” and they say “nonono he’s a rebellll” and I say “den I dye too”  
So I go to the bloc anthen they all are dyin so I say to dem gods “Talos plz halp` us” and den dere was a raoar in der ski. It was frum…………………………………………………….. ALEC BALDUIN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND everybuddy cri of scared.  
Bu I say to den “I sav u!” an I did.  
So her we r outside helgen and all da babees are cryin but I said “sh” and they stopped and Ulricc is like “wow ur such a mom have mah babees” and I sed “wpw Ulrocc im not a slutt I kno where babees com from”/ I didn’t wan no babied to be in my tummy bc they might get hurt if I eet anything sharp (ps how do swrod swallowers have babis?). Bye the way im a sord swallower cause im invisible.  
But then I hearsd anodder drogon and I had to go save it.  
BTW, I finded out I was the drogonbarn.


	2. Chapter 2

So after I savd that next dragon ffrum tha ppl, erry1 was like “go see the yarl cause ur that drogonburn”. So I say “okey” and I wen to the Jarlsburg of Whiteran and he was like “You os de only 1 who can save us, u real beautirul dragornbon” and I was like “you hav 2 b carfuil how u say 2 me bc I am engorged to Uflorc Strombadger” an he was lik “no! Ulfrons a bad guy I wood b v good 4 u, Poli.” I den say “hm y is that” cause I wanna no and he sed “oh it’s bcuz I’m a imperial and the govverment is good and he’s a genst the law”. An I sid “Actually, Ulfric at least in my most humble opinion, is a far better course of action for this country with his more liberal views and his agenda to promote religious freedom” an he was lik “oh, ur rit, but I think ur real pretty” an den I was like “poh ya?” en he was lik “yep is bcuz yu got real long pretty hair and beutiful eys.” and I said “well it’s kinda short lol”/  
So I hav a babii wid him and ewe name him Roybecause of that guy who did that thing with the kitty and then got hurt becuz the kitty wasn’t a good kitty jk all kitties are good kitties. But so then his odder kid from his las marrige was getting jellis and I sed “don worry even tho you hav sum stooped mom I can b ur noow mom and then he felt better but theeennnnnn………………………………. ULFRIC CAME IN AN COT ME CHEETIN!!!!! He was so sad that he cri and rn awa but I say, “Noooooo, com bk here and he did  
An then we had seex. All 3 of us. N it was so good that we decide to all get murried.   
But then 1 nit I woke up to this Sexahhhh thief guy with a real nic voice and I asay “Oh no, are you here to steal from us?” an dhe sad “I only her to steal yo heart, lass” and I was like “oh hot dayam”  
N den he sed “DON FOOKIN SWER AT ME YA BICHT”  
But before hw knew it I had tied him up with two arm gags and we HAD SEX. Immediitley I had TOO BABIES bcuz he wuz so good at it and we named then Phil and Lil. Dey were not named after the cartoon, I wonted 2 nam ma kids that befor the tv show came out.


End file.
